Tag Archives: christianity

“A Voice in My Mind Said: I Feel Awe”

Dacher Keltner is a psychology professor at UC Berkeley.  For more than 20 years, his research has focused on answering the question, “What makes a good life?”  At one point, he felt he had the answer.  To test it, he and his team conducted thousands of interviews with people around the world and analyzed the results.  What they discovered was also reflected in Keltner’s personal life experiences, including being at the bedside of his dying brother in 2019.

Rolf had been dealing with colon cancer for several years and had decided it was time to take the “cocktail” of prescribed medication that would peacefully bring about his death.  After receiving this news, Dacher drove from Berkeley with his wife and daughters, picked up his mother in Sacramento, and arrived at his brother’s house in the foothills of the Sierras at 10 PM, joining other family members at the bedside. Here are excerpts from his account:

Rolf’s face was full and flushed. The sunken eyes and gaunt cheeks caused by colon cancer were gone; the tightened, sagging skin around his mouth smoothed. His lips curled upward at the corners.

I rested my right hand on his left shoulder, a rounded protrusion of bone. I held it the way I would the smooth granite stones we used to find near the rivers we swam in as young brothers.

“Rolf this is Dach.”

“You are the best brother in the world.”

My daughter Natalie laid her hand lightly on his shoulder blades: “We love you Ralf.”

The cycle of his breathing slowed. He was listening.  Aware.

Listening to Rolf’s breath, I sensed the vast expense of 55 years of our brotherhood… (at this point, Dach’s mind fills with memories of their many shared adventures including skateboarding, playing on the same Little League team, traveling in Mexico, and being the best man at each other’s wedding) …

I sensed a light radiating from Rolf’s face. It pulsated in concentric circles, spreading outward, touching us as we leaned in with slightly bowed heads. The chatter in my mind, clasping words about the stages of colon cancer, new treatments, lymph nodes, and survival rates, faded. I could sense a force around his body pulling him away. And questions in my mind.

What is Rolf thinking?

What is he feeling?

What does it mean for him to die?

A voice in my mind said: I feel awe.

…Watching Rolf pass, I felt small. Quiet.  Humble. Pure. The boundaries that separated me from the outside world faded. I felt surrounded by something vast and warm. My mind was open, curious, aware, wondering.[i]

“A voice in my mind said: I feel awe.” The feeling of awe, Dacher believes, is the most important human emotion we can experience.  He and his team concluded there are eight primary ways we can encounter awe; one of them is being at the boundary of life and death.[ii] 

I experience awe attending memorial services.

This week I attended a celebration of the life of a legendary local building contractor, John Carter, who lived to be 96.  Family, friends and employees shared many stories of his ingenuity, accomplishments, innovations and integrity.  One story in particular has lingered in my mind. John was born on a farm in the San Fernando Valley. One day he and his brother decided to dig their way to China using an empty coffee can.  They dug for days; the hole became deep enough that they could stand in it.  Eventually they gave up. That was the early hint of a life filled with ambitious plans, determination and a love of moving earth and making things.  All those qualities were already present when he was a child and had a vision in his mind and a coffee can in his hand.  Where do such qualities come from?

A few months ago, I attended a private family graveside service for Joe Jowell, who died at 93. His children and grandchildren recounted highlights of his life. Joe was born and raised in Hawaii.  He was a ten-year-old riding his bike on Sunday morning, December 7 when he looked up and wondered why a large group of planes were flying overhead; moments later he saw them dropping bombs on Pearl Harbor.  After finishing high school, he moved to San Francisco.  He served in the Navy during the Korean War. He then spent five years preparing to become a priest in the Boston Maryknoll Brotherhood.  He decided to leave that order to marry and raise a family in Long Beach.  Joe became a certified Appliance Repair Technician and worked for Sears for many years.   He and his wife were raising five children when she died, leaving him on his own. Later one of his sons took his own life.  Joe learned to endure these losses and wanted to help others experiencing grief. He became a Hospice volunteer and served our community for 35 years. I met Joe when I became Director at Hospice of Santa Barbara in 2008 – I was told he was known by his colleagues as “St. Joe.” Sixteen years later I had privilege of hearing his family’s stories at his graveside.  If we had seen Joe at Costco or in a hospital hallway, could we have imagined all he’d experienced and how many people he had cared for?

Watching his brother take his last breath, Derik Keltner said: “My mind was open, curious, aware, wondering.”  He believes experiencing awe puts us in touch with the mysteries of life.  It both humbles and inspires us.

When someone’s life ends, we begin to see what mattered and what it meant.  Time and again, I have been filled with awe.

[i] Awe: The New Science of Everyday Wonder and How It Can Transform Your Life, Dacher Keltner, 2023, pages xxi-xxiii

[ii] The eight categories: moral beauty, collective effervescence, nature, music, visual design, spiritual and religious, awe, life and death, and epiphanies (moments in which a new and grand understanding dawns).

I first came across Keltner’s work as cited by Jonathan Haidt in his book, The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness,  which was the subject of my recent post, Rising Above the Phone-Based Culture.  I expect to share more of Keltner’s findings in the weeks to come.

Photo: Late Afternoon, Goleta Beach, January, 2025

Our Motivations Don’t Have to Be Pure to Be Good

                  When I first began my spiritual journey, I was enthralled with the idea that I could escape the influence of my selfish ego and achieve some kind of saintly purity.  I’d seen what complete self-centeredness could do to my life, and like a prisoner for whom the jail door suddenly flew open, I couldn’t wait to find freedom.  I read accounts of saints and sages.  I experimented with meditation, recorded and analyzed my dreams, memorized Psalms, and sought spiritual guides. I read the Sermon on the Mount, which includes strong statements to discourage us from publicly displaying our spirituality when we are fasting, giving to charity, and praying. [i]

                  Fifteen years later I was driving downtown to volunteer at the local soup kitchen.  Two different voices within me began a conversation:

Inner Voice One: “I’ve been meaning to do this for some time. Glad I finally signed up and am on my way.” 

Inner Voice Two: “You know, be sure and tell your congregation you are doing this.  You’ll look good in their eyes.”

Inner Voice One: “What a selfish thing to think! I’m not doing this to show off. I’m doing it because it’s the right thing to do.”

Inner Voice Two: “Of course you are.  That’s great. But it won’t hurt your reputation to let people know you are doing this.”

I didn’t like Voice Two and could not silence it.  I was frustrated.

A few months later I was on a long drive north on Interstate 5. I thought again about the persistence of self-centered Voice Two.  I decided to try an experiment. I visualized Voice Two as a separate person standing in front of me.   I stared at him.  He looked uncomfortable and embarrassed being examined so carefully and kept looking downward. I began feeling compassion for Voice Two.  I realized it had never meant me any harm. It was there to speak up for me, protect me, always wanting to help me be somebody I could feel good about.  I stood in front of him.  I put my right hand on his shoulder.  “You know,” I said, “I now realize you work very hard on my behalf and always act with the best of intention.  I’m not going to get angry with you anymore.  I’m not going to try to get rid of you. Let’s be friends.  I’ll let you offer suggestions whenever you wish.  I just don’t want you to be in charge.”

It was a moment of inner reconciliation that brought me a sense of peace.  I gave up trying to be a saint. I accepted being someone who may often have mixed motivations that I need to sort through.  I would continue to engage in activities for a higher purpose but not get upset if I also hear Voice Two whispering to me how this might affect my reputation and self-esteem.  If I personally accomplish something that has been challenging for me, I am going to welcome feelings of pride and satisfaction.

Several years later, as part of my Hospice training, I attended a retreat at the Metta Institute which included Buddhist meditation practice. I learned one key principle: “Welcome everything, push away nothing.”[ii]  Rather than try to control everything our busy mind comes up with, we let all our thoughts arise; we then calmly examine them and choose which ones are worth engaging.   I have found that to be a practical way to manage all the different ideas, motivations and strategies that can arise within.

I do think there are saints in this world whose motives are always pure.  They don’t know they are saints.  They meet those Sermon on the Mount standards without thinking about it.  I know I’m not one of them.  But I don’t want my mixed motives to keep me from joining other people to get good things done and enjoy life along the way.

[i] Matthew 6: 1-8, 16-18

[ii] The Five Invitations: Discovering What Death Can Teach Us About Living Fully, Frank Ostateski

The Way of Nature and the Way of Grace

I’ve been ruminating over these words for fourteen years:

Τhe nuns taught us there are two ways through life- 

the way of nature… and the way of grace.

You have to choose which one you’ll follow.

Grace doesn’t try to please itself.

Accepts being slighted, forgotten, disliked.

Accepts insults and injuries.

Nature only wants to please itself…

– Get others to please it too.

Likes to lord it over them…

To have its own way.

It finds reasons to be unhappy… 

when all the world is shining around it, 

when love is smiling through all things.

Τhey taught us that no one who loves the way of grace

ever comes to a bad end.

We hear this in the voice the mother of the O’Brien family (Jessica Chastain) at the opening of The Tree of Life. As she recites the first six lines, we see dream-like images of her with her young sons in 1950s suburban Texas. At the line, “Nature only wants to please itself…” the camera shifts to the father (played by Brad Pitt) at their dinner table.  After several viewings, I realized the shift in focus suggests the mother embodies the grace the nuns talked about while the father embodies “the way of nature.”

“The way of grace:” self-less, tolerant, forgiving.  The “way of nature:” self-centered, willful, domineering.  Those living “the way of grace” experience a world shining with love; those living the way of nature are blind to all that shines, and instead “finds reasons to be unhappy.”

From the beginning of my spiritual awakening in my twenties, I wanted to “live in the way of grace.”

As a pastor, living “in the way of grace” felt like the ideal job requirement. I strived to lift that up and live that out with the people I was serving. It brought me joy.

As time has passed, I am less certain one can always live in the way of grace.

As Malick uses the phrase “way of nature,” it feels selfish, insensitive, and destructive.  But we can think of it another way. I am going to interpret it as our biological and evolutionary history.  We carry primal instincts within us that recognize our need to survive.  We can draw on a stubborn stamina that enables us to endure hard times with grit and determination.  If we lose at something and it hurts, we may resolve to recover instead of giving up. Winning and accomplishing a goal feels good. We find ourselves in a position of power and appreciate what that offers – not only for ourselves, but for others.  Are these moments we want to run from?

I once organized and participated in an Earth Day retreat at the La Casa de Maria Retreat Center.  We had invited a local trail guide to lead a tour of our property.  He had an interest in both the natural world and ways we can listen to our ancestors.  Our group took an hour to make a slow walk around the 26-acre property, stopping along the way.

We came to the organic garden and paused.  He reminded us human beings have been farming for several thousand years.  He asked us to close our eyes and visualize our own ancestors farming and what their life was like. Most of my ancestors came from Scandinavia. I found myself traveling back in time, watching them work in the cold climate and bare soil.

We came alongside the San Ysidro Creek.  Before agriculture, our ancestors were hunters and gatherers.  We closed our eyes and imagined their life.  I realized my ancestors survived by learning to fish the North Sea and hunt elk.  A hard life.

Living “the way of nature” involves cunning and a strong will.  That can get messy when it demeans other people.  But those instincts in themselves are not bad.

In 2008 I transitioned from parish work to leading nonprofit organizations.  I discovered I could not be, in the eyes of everyone, always “full of grace.” Sometimes I had to make unpopular decisions.  We had to let some people go, and as they left they didn’t feel like “love was smiling through all things.”  But these actions had to be done.  Looking back, I don’t regret them. It was part of my job.

The spiritual life is not an unending experience of grace and beauty.  Jesus was more a lion than a lamb.  Many of his conversations comforted, healed and renewed.  But other times he confronted people with their self-righteousness, and they walked away dejected or angry.  He told people what they needed to hear.

Trying to be gracious every moment doesn’t guarantee ideal outcomes. Sometimes things just go badly.  But we do the best we can.

Is it true — “…there are two ways through life – the way of nature… and the way of grace.  You have to choose which one you’ll follow?” I’m not so sure it’s that simple.  I believe there is a third way, one which draws on both nature and grace.  There are times when we need instincts for survival that nature has given us so we can protect ourselves and others and do the right thing.  But that doesn’t exclude “the way of grace.”  Grace is always worth striving for, and when it emerges it comes with a radiant awareness.

Images: The Tree of Life, Terrence Mallick


Last October I wrote another post inspired by Tree of Life: Where Were We?