“It is what it is” is a saying I hear frequently these days. I will always associate it with Gail Rink, my predecessor and mentor at Hospice of Santa Barbara.
I wrote a tribute to Gail several years ago, so I won’t repeat what I said then. Suffice it to say that Gail was a gifted social worker who became a pioneer and master teacher in end-of-life care in Santa Barbara. She was known for her striking insights, intuition, and practical wisdom.
I remember reviewing cases with her. Sometimes new facts would make the situation more difficult for the patient and family. There’d be a pause in the conversation as the team tried to absorb the new developments. When the time was right, Gail would say, “Well, it is what it is.” We might wish the situation were different, but it isn’t. We have to work from here. Then she would lead the team as we explored what the next steps might be.
Saying “It is what it is” helps ground us. It may take time to get there. But when we arrive, we can find power and clarity.
As the time for me to succeed Gail approached, we spent time reviewing my duties and what my priorities should be. One event she told me to always attend was an annual golf tournament and fundraising dinner at Glen Annie Golf Course. Then she told me the backstory.
A few years earlier, a vibrant teenage girl in town had contracted an unusual infection and died within a few days. Gail began meeting with the parents to help them process their grief, together at first and then separately. After several sessions with the mother, Gail felt they were making progress. But her time with the father was going nowhere. At their next session, she told him so, and he agreed. She suggested he might benefit more from taking some kind of action and asked him what activities were important in his life. He named golf. Together they explored how he might connect that interest with his love for his daughter and his desire to honor her. They came up with the idea of an annual golf tournament in her name, with the proceeds supporting Hospice of Santa Barbara’s grief services for children and teenagers. When he shared the idea with his friends, they enthusiastically helped organize it. It became not only a great success but an annual healing experience. Gail told me to attend every year it was held, to show our continuing support for the family. And I did.
The tragic death of that young woman was a fact that had to be accepted, and the pain and loss would never disappear. But in time, with Gail’s guidance, her parents found a way forward.
I’m reminded of a pastor I knew early in my career. His son had developed a drug addiction, and my friend and his wife felt helpless. Someone encouraged them to join the local Al-Anon group. He said it was difficult to walk into that first meeting, but they very quickly found the group to be a great source of wisdom and strength. He later told me that, even though he’d been part of countless church groups over his career, their time in Al-Anon was a profound experience of the Holy Spirit.
Our pilgrimage through life can include times when we feel stuck. We don’t like where we are or what has happened. But when we can say, “It is what it is,” we have a new place to start from. And when we share our journey with others, we can discover a deep kinship we didn’t know existed, along with new opportunities to experience caring and love.
