The Platinum Rule

         One spiritual principle our mother taught us was the Golden Rule: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”  It’s a simple concept, and some say it’s an almost universal teaching in global spiritual traditions.

But I once took a leadership class where the professor encouraged us to think of a variation, the “Platinum Rule:” “Treat others the way they want to be treated.”

         I don’t know who first coined the phrase.  Searching around, it seems to be a common notion in psychology and leadership material.  Whatever its origin, the point is easy to grasp: if I follow the Golden Rule, I may assume someone else would want the same thing I would want.  In broad terms that may be true: all people would like to be treated with respect, for example.  But when it comes down to specifics, what someone else prefers may be very different than me.

         When I was Director at La Casa de Maria, our much-loved gardener Francisco was going to retire after years of faithful service. I asked our Office Manager to come up with some ideas for a special staff event. She suggested a luncheon in the dining room, followed by playing some games we could all enjoy.  We announced that plan to the staff. Later that day, the Landscape Supervisor asked to speak to me.  He politely suggested that what we were planning may not be the ideal event for Francisco.  He offered to organize an outdoor bar-b-q by the pool with some of Francisco’s favorite dishes.  He also wanted to schedule a mariachi band to make a surprise appearance.  That’s what we did.  We were all visiting with each other as the meal was being prepared, and an amazing mariachi band suddenly appeared, singing a popular song in Spanish that referred to someone retiring.  It was wonderful.  I am grateful that we had changed our plans.

         Two stories come to mind from my days at Hospice.

         I was at a national conference and one of the breakout sessions was on the spiritual care of the dying.  While the presenter reviewed some of the common principles in helping people share their spiritual concerns, he said the topic isn’t for everybody.  When his dad was in his last days, he had no interest in talking about spiritual issues. He just wanted to have his son come so they could read the daily newspaper together and discuss sports and the news.  That’s what he did. His father died in peace.

         Our staff was very creative finding ways to do whatever was meaningful for the patients.  One man said he had always enjoyed driving around town in an open convertible smoking a cigar.  We had a volunteer who was happy to do that.  Once a once a week the volunteer picked him up and they cruised around town puffing.  The man was very grateful.

         There are endless stories of how different cultures show respect in different ways. 

In 2000 I was in India on a sabbatical project, interviewing tech people and academics about how digital technology was beginning to reshape personal lives.  I was careful to call ahead to make appointments with whoever I was going to interview, which I took for granted was the proper thing to do. But one of my hosts took me aside and said that was not necessary.  He said calling ahead to make an appointment suggested that the person would not welcome me if just showed up, when in fact, welcoming an unannounced visitor was an honored practice of a good host.

         My congregation established a partnership with a congregation in Ghana. Five of us traveled there first and were warmly welcomed wherever we went.  The next year a group of Ghanaians came to Santa Barbara.  We had arranged for members to host guests in their houses.  One of our hosts had two spare bedrooms, and she welcomed two women to her house, showing each of them the room they would be staying in. After a while, one of the women approached the hostess and – very respectfully – asked if she and her friend could share a room instead of being alone.  Not everyone wants to be by themselves like Americans often do.

         I think of relationships. A colleague recently gave a sermon on marriage. He said that marriages often begin following the idea that “opposites attract.”  We fall in love with someone different than us and make our commitment. Then we spend the rest of our marriage trying to make the person like us.  An alternative, he said, was to ask, “How can I support my partner in becoming not who I want them to be, but who God wants them to be?”  Relationships are often an endless journey in finding the balance between meeting our own needs and that of our partner. I have great respect for my therapist friends who help couples negotiate that journey.

         Applying the Platinum Rule begins with our desire to serve, honor, or support someone else. It requires an open mind and careful attention to discover what the other person truly values.  When someone treats us that way, we feel both valued and respected.